Should we laugh more at ourselves? It's complicated

Research shows it's sometimes good for us to poke fun at ourselves, but not always. Here's how to harness the benefits, while avoiding the pitfalls.

Why do some schoolchildren become outcasts?

In the 1990s, psychologists set out to investigate why some kids were excluded by their peers. They discovered two archetypes. Some of the rejected children were bullying and aggressive. Others were meek and subservient. Both shared one quality: an inability to take a joke. 

The first group was responded to teasing with anger or violence, while the second felt wounded and withdrew. Both interpreted the intended humour as an insult, something that couldn't possibly be in good faith. More socially assured kids, on the other hand, shrugged off teasing, or were amused by it.

Whether we can laugh at ourselves can clearly have consequences from an early age. 

Studies show that throughout life, a more light-hearted and humorous outlook on life is better for your mental health, relationships and overall prospects. Still, opinion on whether it is a good idea to laugh at yourself specifically has long been divided.

Now, though, researchers are finally beginning to understand the nuance of what it really means to poke fun at ourselves – and when and how it might be beneficial.

Is it even possible to laugh at yourself? Plato didn't think so. The Ancient Greek philosopher believed that humour was triggered by feeling superior to others – particularly those who delusionally believe they are better-looking or wiser than they really are.

More than 1,000 years later, in 1651, English philosopher Thomas Hobbes largely agreed. The exception – when people were occasionally able to laugh at themselves – was when reflecting on a past foolishness, which demonstrated how much worldlier they had become in the interim.

Eventually, philosophers began to allow that not all humour was motivated by spite. In the 18th Century, for example, the popular "incongruity theory" proposed that hilarity often results from an unexpected violation of social norms.

Still, whether people can actually laugh at themselves remained a contentious topic right up until recent times. Most humour research from the past 50 years has relied on asking people if they can laugh at themselves and taking their word for it. But like the weekly units of alcohol people confess to on doctors' forms, there was a possibility that the reports were a little aspirational. Perhaps people weren't quite as sporting as they claimed.

In 2011, though, European researchers tested the ability using an experimental set-up instead. They invited test subjects into the lab and covertly videotaped their faces. When they next came in, the subjects were presented with distorted, fun-house mirror style images of their faces, and their reactions were recorded. Not everyone was amused, but 80% at least smiled when unexpectedly encountering the image. Forty per cent were extra tickled and laughed aloud.

"Now the science is quite settled that yes, it is possible to laugh at oneself, and there are actually quite numerous benefits associated with that," says Sonja Heintz, a lecturer in psychology at Plymouth University, UK, who researches humour.

Being able to laugh at yourself is one of the most challenging types of humour to master, claimed influential American humour researcher Paul McGhee in 2010.

In McGhee's seven-step humour programme (targeted at those suffering "terminal seriousness" like Plato), learning to laugh at oneself was the penultimate step – second only in difficulty to "finding humour in stressful situations." 

McGhee saw laughing at yourself as the gateway to other types of humour; a "core component" of a more mirthful existence. "Because if someone takes themselves very seriously, it's difficult to engage in humour in general," explains Heintz.

Some find self-mockery easier to master than others. If you really hate people laughing at you, you could be a gelotophobe – someone with an acute sensitivity to laughter. "You might be sitting in a cafe and joking with your friends, and someone might approach you and ask, why did you laugh at me?" says René Proyer, psychology professor at Martin Luther University Halle-Wittenberg in Germany. For gelotophobes, even a smile can indicate their interlocutor thinks them a ridiculous person. 

There is no one factor explaining why one might become a gelotophobe, but Proyer says that a very strict and punishing style of parenting is one risk factor. Another is an early traumatic experience of having been laughed at. "So a really embarrassing situation at school, for example," says Proyer, "where you are the butt of jokes for weeks, months, perhaps years." Autism appears to be another risk factor.

There also seems to be a cultural dimension. East Asian countries generally have higher levels of gelotophobia than Western nations, something researchers attribute to those belonging to collectivistic cultures being less likely to single themselves out for attention, or to engage in humour as a coping mechanism. These cultures tend to believe humour is best left to the professionals. In China, for example, people are more likely to associate humour with "experts", i.e. comedians, than everyday citizens.

Like the children unable to take teasing, gelotophobes tend to experience worse psychological and interpersonal outcomes. The trait has been tied to lower life satisfaction, greater friendship avoidance, and increased loneliness and depression.

The opposite trait is gelotophilia, the joy of being laughed at by others, which has been linked to stronger social connectedness. One way this can manifest is in "playfulness", the tendency to take oneself and the world lightly.

"Playful people are able to frame or reframe everyday situations in a way such that they experience them as entertaining or intellectually stimulating or personally interesting," says Proyer. "A highly playful person is able to do a boring task or chore and reframe it in a way that is somewhat amusing." Research has established playfulness as a predictor of higher self-esteem and relationship satisfaction. 

Most experts agree that humour is beneficial to our relationships. But the kind of humour matters too. 

In 2003, Canadian researchers developed the Humor Styles Questionnaire, which divides people's dominant humour type into four categories: affiliative humour, self-enhancing humour, aggressive humour and self-defeating humour. 

The questionnaire soon became hugely influential. "It was the first time anyone had considered that humour could be adaptive but also maladaptive," says Claire Fox, professor of psychology of education at the University of Bristol, UK. 

Self-enhancing humourists are attuned to the fragile absurdities of humanity and existence. They agree with statements like: "If I am feeling upset or unhappy I usually try to think of something funny about the situation to make myself feel better". These individuals make light of their problems as a coping mechanism. This was seen as an adaptive humour type.

"Self-defeating" humour, on the other hand, was thought to be maladaptive. Self-defeating humourists agree with statements like: "I often try to make people like or accept me more by saying something funny about my own weaknesses, blunders, or faults." At the time, this type of humour was seen as signalling neediness and low self-esteem.

When Heintz first began researching humour in the 2010s, she was taken aback to find that poking fun at oneself was viewed so negatively by the field. "Because my personal humour style is [that] I make fun of myself all the time," she says. "I don't take myself seriously." Reading the literature, Heintz was surprised to find that someone like her was supposedly at higher risk of anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation.

To find out if self-defeatists really were all that self-loathing, Heintz rounded up a group of them and compared them to those with other humour styles. If the predominant thinking was correct, "these people should really suffer with mental health issues", says Heintz. But not a single one did. On the contrary, she found that self-defeating humour was associated with higher levels of self-esteem and better interpersonal relationships.

"They all said, 'Well, I struggle a bit with self-esteem. I'm a bit insecure. But making fun of myself is actually a really good way for me to cope with these difficulties, and it gives me a way to connect with others'," says Heintz.

Most research finding a connection between self-defeating humour and worse mental health and relationship outcomes is correlational, says Heintz, rather than showing a causal effect.

Other research has found that the impacts of self-defeating humour can vary across different contexts. A 2014 study by Fox found that schoolchildren who were the victim of bullying used more self-defeating humour than others, and that this preference became more pronounced over time. 

But a follow-up study she carried out in 2016 added nuance to the picture. This study labelled kids based on the type of humour they preferred. One group, dubbed the "self-defeaters", engaged only in self-defeating humour. This group seemed to fare worst, ranking the lowest for self-esteem and becoming lonelier over time.

But some kids used self-defeating humour even more than the self-defeatists and didn't suffer the same ill effects. The difference was that these kids, dubbed "humour endorsers", engaged in all four different humour types. While those who solely relied on self-defeating humour suffered a social penalty, the humour endorsers did not. 

"This suggested that it's actually okay to use self-defeating humour, as long as you're using it in combination with other styles of humour as well," says Fox. 

It's not that self-defeating humour never poses an issue. "If you make fun of yourself and it comes from a place of bitterness and self-hatred, then yes, it's probably not good for you," says Heintz.

But Heintz now believes that a lot of the negative press around self-defeating humour might stem from a methodological issue with the Humor Styles Questionnaire. The questions relating to self-defeating humour often introduce a value judgement, she notes, specifying things like: "I do it too much. I do it more than I should." 

Could this negative self-judgement be skewing the results? Heintz is now working on a forthcoming paper evaluating 25 years of the questionnaire where she'll propose a rethink of the self-defeating scale. Other researchers are already devising new scales which distinguish between truly self-defeating humour and its more adaptive varieties (like that old British standby, self-deprecating humour).

As good comedians know, you should only mock yourself if you've made peace with the flaw or mistake you're making fun of. If you're making a joke from a place of discomfort, people pick up on that and feel awkward, says Heintz. "We need to know that when people make a joke, it's not to be taken seriously. That safety needs to be there for someone to respond to that humour."

Moderation is also something to keep in mind. Between self-deprecating and self-defeating humour, "the distinction appears to be about excess and going overboard", says Fox. 

Still, it's clear that learning to laugh at yourself can afford psychological and social benefits. Not taking yourself too seriously has been found to help with coping with life's setbacks. Part of this is the simple reason that if you make a mistake, as everyone does from time to time, you're opting for a positive emotional response (laughter) over a negative one (anger or gloom). 

"It's related to self-transcendence, which means that when something goes wrong, we can keep that distance from the event and see it a bit more objectively… see the lighter side of things," says Heintz. "We also know that there is a causal effect between things like life satisfaction, coping skills and general well-being."

On the interpersonal side, laughing at yourself can be an important tool in your social arsenal. "It's a very safe way to engage in humour in new situations, if you are with strangers and don't quite know their sense of humour yet," says Heintz.

When there is a power differential, it can be especially expedient. Another study by Fox found that lecturers engaging in so-called self-defeating humour were seen more positively by students. And those who laugh off minor errors – as long as they do not impact others – are seen as warmer and more competent.

So, if you're one of the terminally serious, how can you go about cultivating a lighter attitude towards yourself? McGhee advocated zeroing in on your sore spots – whether it's your height, weight, baldness or clumsiness – and confronting these "no-laugh zones" head-on. However excruciating at first, he promised "a sense of exhilaration and liberation" will follow "as you become comfortable with joking about the things that used to simply annoy or embarrass you." 

The first step is admitting to the things you don't like about yourself to others, starting with the most minor. Then start making jokes. "Let's say you're not very interested in fashion, you could poke fun at, 'Oh, I'm wearing the same old jeans again'," says Heintz. "Or, look, I did my shopping at Temu." Eventually, you're ready to make gags about your most agonising insecurities.

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If prodding at your sore spots feels like too much, you could start by cultivating a more amused attitude in general. Proyer carried out a study where he tested whether it was possible to increase playfulness in participants using simple activities over the course of a week. For example, setting aside 10 minutes each evening to write down the three most playful things that happened during the day, "whether this was a thought that you had, or something you observed on your way to work", says Proyer.

By and large, the participants perceived themselves as more playful up to three months afterwards – as well as reporting reduced levels of depressiveness and greater happiness. 

So what was the most playful thing that happened to you today? Write it down and laugh yourself silly.

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