Early days of being a mum were 'darkest time' says Kimberley Nixon

An actor who has shared her struggles with post-natal obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) has said the early days of motherhood were the "darkest time" of her life.

Kimberley Nixon said it wasn't until she started "breaking through that" that she realised every mum struggled in some way.

The 40-year-old Fresh Meat star, who lives in Pontypridd, Rhondda Cynon Taf, was reflecting on her motherhood experience on Giovanna Fletcher's Happy Mum podcast.

She released a book about her personal experiences, called She Seems Fine to Me, earlier this month, while her one-woman show Baby Brain tours around the UK in the coming months.

Warning: This story contains discussion of mental health and suicidal thoughts

Nixon, who starred in Sky's recent Under Salt Marsh series and is also known for BBC period drama Cranford and romantic comedy Wild Child, said her profession could exacerbate feelings of isolation in tough times.

"When you're an actor, you don't have co-workers in the same way as everyone else.

"You're by yourself and, from social media, [it seems] everyone is doing so well."

She said, when she became a mum, it felt like everyone online was "taking to it so naturally and they all seem so happy".

"This is the darkest time of my life, I don't understand," she said.

"And then breaking through that to go 'do you find motherhood quite difficult?' and every single mother I've ever asked that question to going 'yes', in some capacity. Whether it be physically, emotionally.

"From afar, everybody else has got it together. Really, growing up is realising that everybody is winging it."

She said she was previously hesitant to share elements of her experiences, but that the more she talked about it, the more others felt able to share.

Nixon said deciding to have a child was a "big moment" because she'd "been scared of it for such a long time".

She and her husband, who she has been with for nearly 22 years, had a "really hard time" getting pregnant, conceiving through IVF in 2020.

But the initial joy of a positive test was short-lived as, about six weeks into pregnancy, Nixon was told she was likely to miscarry because her human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) levels had "fallen off a cliff".

"That was definitely a comeback down to earth," she said, adding that, despite then being told her baby was fine, that news was quickly followed by Storm Dennis – which "wiped out" her hometown – and the Covid pandemic.

As her due date approached, her anxiety increased, largely due to the "moving goal posts" of hospital lockdown rules, and not knowing whether her partner would be able to be there for the birth.

After speaking to the consultant midwife, Nixon had a planned c-section to try and reduce the number of unknown factors.

"We just couldn't wait, we were so excited. It had been such a long time – when he was born, we'd been together 16 years. We were just ready."

She recalled her baby son being held up in the operating theatre and marvelling at him – but very quickly "a switch being flipped" and "everything went dark".

"It was just wrong, that's the only way I can describe it," she said.

"Even when I found out he was fine, everything was fine, I just never believed it. Ever again."

She recalled "spiralling", always convinced something was going to go wrong.

"We were in hospital for four days and my husband couldn't come and see us... he would have known immediately something was wrong. He would have been able to advocate on my behalf.

"Any time I brought up anything, it was batted away."

She described those first few days as like "an audition that I haven't learned the lines for".

She was "apologising for everything" and clinging to the idea that it was "just baby blues", while feelings of failure were "unrelenting" and "got worse and worse".

"I genuinely [thought] it's the end of the world, all the time," she said.

"I was seeing danger everywhere. My home turned into a sort of haunted castle.

"[My son] was going to die, he was going to be hurt, and it was going to be my fault.

"Without realising what it was, what I was doing, that I was making it worse, I started doing compulsions."

Nixon said she was "very lucky" to be able to be completely honest with her partner.

"But reassurance is never enough.... it's like you're in your own prison, a prison you've made," she explained.

"The idea that he could be hurt because I exist in the world is too much, so maybe it would better if I wasn't here."

These thoughts jolted Nixon and her husband into seeking help urgently.

"I'd had OCD my whole life and I'd never known.

"I'd never heard of post-natal OCD. I found it late at night on an anonymous article."

Having that knowledge allowed her to present how she was feeling more clearly.

"Looking back, I was remarkably honest with mental health professionals from the get-go about the nature of the symptoms, even though saying that to somebody is the scariest thing I've ever done," said Nixon, who has also since been diagnosed with autism and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

At first, she would "play at being a mum" to get through each day, but was still "shrouded in shame".

It was being open about her struggles online which really started Nixon on the road to recovery, in particular hearing from other people who had experienced the same thing.

"Dipping my toe into saying 'I'm not OK'... I didn't know it, but it let cracks of light in."

While she said she was now on an "even keel" and enjoying life, she described writing her book as "honest or nothing", leading to "a lot of sleepless nights".

"It's the biggest exposure therapy that I've done. It's scary to write your very personal experience down.

"But I know if I'd read something like that book when I was really unwell, it would have saved my life."

If you have been affected by the issues raised in this story, the BBC's Action Line has a list of organisations that can provide support.