Comic Relief

THAT'S IT FOLKS! THE JOKE LINE IS NOW CLOSED!!!
A BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO EMAILED IN THEIR FAVOURITE JOKES TO LORNA...

Lorna has challenged Tim to collect ONE THOUSAND jokes - the BBC Three Counties Radio listeners are helping out and sending in their favourite jokes....

From Micky in Luton:

Mr Tickle wanted to marry the girl of his dreams, however Tess was reluctant to take on his surname....

From Dean in Watford:

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Mary
Merry Christmas

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Cash !
Cash who ?
Cash me if you can !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Ice cream !
Ice cream who ?
Ice cream if you don't let me in !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Four Eggs!
Four Eggs who ?
Four Eggs ample !

Knock Knock
Who's there !
nunya
nunya business

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Robin
Robbing is against the law

Knock Knock
Who's there !
Irish stew
Irish stew in the name of the law

From: Eve in Bedford
Why are history lessons the sweetest? because they are full of dates...

what happened to the young chicken who was naughty at school? it was eggspelled....

A VAMPIRE BAT ARRIVES BACK AT THE ROOST WITH HIS FACE, MOUTH AND TEETH COVERED IN BLOOD ! ALL THE OTHER BATS GET SO EXCITED AND ASK WHERE HE GOT IT FROM. “FOLLOW ME” HE SATS. OFF THEY FLEW, OVER THE HILLS, OVER THE RIVER AND INTO THE DARK FOREST. “SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE….?”
“YES” THEY REPLY……
“WELL I DIDN’T!!!!”

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BAKER WHO GOT AN ELECTRIC SHOCK? HE STOOD ON A BUN & A CURRENT WENT UP HIS LEG !

WHAT GOES 99 CLONK, 99 CLONK ? A CENTIPEDE WITH A WOODEN LEG.

HOW DO YOU MAKE TIME FLY? THROW A CLOCK OUT OF A WINDOW – STEVE NORTH MARSTON.

A YOUNG LAD SAYS TO HIS NAN “I THINK GRANDAD’S GONE LOOPY, HE JUST TOLD ME THAT GOD SWITCHES THE LIGHT ON FOR HIM WHEN HE GOES TO THE TOILET, THEN WHEN HE FINISHES GOD SWITCHES THE LIGHT OFF AGAIN” NAN REPLIES “OH LORD! THE SILLY GIT HAS BEEN WEEING IN THE FRIDGE AGAIN !!”

From: Tina in Towcester:

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but t!
hen told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”.

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it. The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice a!
nd great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist." ...

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She
picked it up and rubbed it, and low-and-behold' a genie appeared!
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said,
"Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie.
So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years.
I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.
That's what I wish for ... good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that bloody map again!"

What do you call a scruffy cat that's just eaten a duck?
A duck...filled... tattypus (duckbilledplatypus )

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
he teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat ofthe car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to her story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Morris and his wife Ester went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Ester, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.
'Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ester fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!!"....

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on
a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly
man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid
eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Chris Glenn in Luton
A man walks in to the doctors surgery with a fried egg on his head.
doctor says why do you have a fried egg on your head.
man replies, the boiled ones keep rolling off.

From: Dean in Watford...

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a modern marriage - equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"
Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg...

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

Q: How many DIYers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two -one to screw it in and another to sponsor him.

Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists question whether it’s really light anyway.

Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one, but it takes nine visits.

Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred - one to change the lightbulb, the other ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they weren’t chosen.

Q: How many MAC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he’d have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which cost extra.

Q: How many PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it’ll be fixed in the next version.

Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he’ll have to replace the whole socket.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in and another to screw it up.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.

Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four - one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.

Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who who wants to know?

Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: enO.

Q: How many NASA engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy - and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to it the weather’s bad so they postpone it untill next week. The lightbulb costs three million dollars.

Q: How many news reporters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation.

Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw people.

Q: How many WWE wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. Three to setup the drama and two to fake it.

Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she’ll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change the lightbulb. One to spot. The other two to stand and yell support (Come on! You can do it! etc…)

From James in Luton:

Q. Why do little ducks walk softly?
A. Because they can't walk, hardly.

William Shakespeare goes into a pub, and without a moment's hesitation, the landlord shouts: "You're bard!"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub; the barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?"

.. and my current favourite:

Did you hear about the one-armed butler? He could take it, but he couldn't dish it out.

From Denise in Hemel:

What word begins with an E, ends with an E but only has one letter in it?
An Envelope.

From Flora in Sandy:

A man goes into a newsagents and says "You've got to help me, I think I'm a moth". The newsagent says "I think you want the Psychiatrists, it's next door". "Yes I know" says the man. "Well why did you come in here then?" asks the newsagent. The man replies "Your light was on".

From: Baz in Tewin

An older gentleman had lost his hearing aid and wanted to get a new one. Before getting the new hearing aid, he wanted his ear cleaned out, so he went to his doctor.
As the doctor was cleaning his ears, he noticed a foreign object lodged in the man's ear canal. With a pair a tweezers, the doctor removed the object. Upon closer examination, he discovered that it was a suppository. The doctor told the older gentleman that he had a suppository stuck in his ear. At this, the man exclaimed, "Now
One day a mother was cleaning her son's room, and in the closet she found a S&M magazine. Unsure of how to confront her son, she hid the magazine until his father got home. She showed her husband what she had found while she was cleaning. He looked at the S&M magazine and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" He looked back at her hesitantly and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

From: Barry Newton in Hemel

Supermarket Gill to customer "I keep seeing spots before my eyes"
Customer "have you seen a doctor" Girl "no only spots"

Child in class "Miss I've wet myself" Teacher "Why didn't you put your hand up?"
Child "I did but it run through my fingers"

From: Sandra in Flitwick

Hey Diddle Diddle, the cat did a tiddle, all over the kitchen floor!
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
so the cat did a little bit more!

From: Ron in Luton:

What do you call a women with 80% of her brain gone DIVORCE 

From: Dean in Watford:

Doctor doctor I feel like a pack of cards... doctor replies: I can deal with you later

Linda Jackson from Stevenage sent in this howlers:

Your joke: A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. 
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy' 

From: Tony in Sandy

Did you know that the 'Oooaahh' bird is so named for its unique ability to lay square eggs??

From: Tinah in Luton
Knock, Knock...
Who's there?
Amos.
Amos who?
Amos Kitto

From: Claudia Redmond

A man walks into a pub he says to the landlord "give me a drink quick" the landlord says "you look like you've seen a ghost!" "seen a ghost the man replies ... I was driving down a country road, my car broke down, I got out of the car and looked under the bonnet - I heard a voice saying it's the battery!
I looked up and all I could see was a white horse!!"
"A white horse the landlord replied - it was your lucky day there is a black horse in that field who knows nothing about cars!!"

Jill's Credit Crunch jokes:

I lent my brother £20 last week. Turns out I'm now the UK's fifth biggest lender.

Cadburys is to launch a chocolate bar you don't have to pay for until next year. It will be called the Credit Crunchie.

Marks and Spencers are to merge with Poundstretchers.
The new stores will be called Stretch Marks.

Poundland is to restructure for the recession and will be called '50p Land'.

Northern Rock is to be rebranded Northern Pebble.

Bank Managers are to concentrate on the Big Issues.
They'll all be out on the street selling them next week.

The Isle of Dogs bank collapsed today.
The retrievers have been called in.

What do you call five hedge fund managers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet.
The car's been repossessed.

What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything?
A quarter-pounder with fries, please.

A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?'
'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'.

Overheard in a City bar: 'This credit crunch is worse than a divorce.
I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.'

The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped 'insufficient funds.'
Are they being ironic?

Susan McGregor from Luton:
Q: What fish lives at the bottom of the sea
A: A kipper

Q: Who wrote a crunchy story
A: Nora carrot

Russell Butterfield from Hatfield:
Did you hear about the Irish woodworm found dead in a brick!!!

From: Kayleigh in Stevenage:
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his trousers, he tuns to the barman and says "its driving me nuts"

Mike in MK:
Last month I had my credit card stolen, I decided not to report it to the police, The person that stole it is spending less than my wife,

Terry in Luton:
2 young ladies were walking along to road and saw a powder compact on the ground, the first girl picked it up and opened it saying “I know that face” her friend says “give it to me” and looks into the mirror and says “Of cause you know the face its me”

A man not too bright goes to a building site and asked for a job. When asked what can he do he claims to be a good labourer. Okay says the foreman any good with a shovel of fork, yes, yes, sire I can do that, Okay got to that shed and take you pick. An hour passes and the foremen wonders where he has gone and goes to the shed, “What’s taking you so long? “I cant find a Pick.

A Reporter is looking into what happens to the collection plate after service. He goes to Church of England vicar who tells him he puts all the money into a plate and divides it into 3 part. One for the Church, one for the Needy and one for his wages. Good. Next the Catholic Church, who tells him he puts all in a plate and half goes to the Church and Needy the other half to him for wages. Finally he goes to the Synagogue and asked the Rabi what he does. Well my son I put all the money into the plate go to the altar and have it blessed, then I get down on my knees and rise fast throwing all the money into the air, what God catches he can keep the rest is mine.

A young lady is walking along a river embankment enjoying the spring day and looks up and down the river to see where she can cross. There is another young lady walking along on the other side and asks, “How do I get on the other side”. The girl looks up and down the river then replies, “You are on the other side.

Michelle in St Albans:
I let my girlfriend down last night, then folded her up and put her back in the box.

Paul Whitaker in Shillington:
A lady said to her personal trainer "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"That depends on how flexible you are" said the trainer, "Well I can't make fridays"

Iris Doyle in Luton:
My daughter answered the door the other day.She came in and said . Dad, there's man at the door with a bald head..
I said "Tell him I've already got one. 

I rang up a local building firm. I said "I want a skip outside my house"
He said "Go ahead I'm not stopping you"

A wife is told by her doctor that she has only 12 hours to live.
So she and her husband decide to spend their last night together wining and dining.
She says, "Darling, have another brandy"
He says "No I won't thank you"
She says, "Please have another brandy, we're enjoying ourselves"
He says, "No! Its all right for you, you haven't got to get up in the morning"

Norman in Biggleswade:
Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mum always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my lawyer called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

From PAT in BEDFORD
WHY DO BIRDS FLY SOUTH IN THE WINTER?
BECAUSE IT'S TO FAR TO WALK

What do you call a penguin in the sahara desert?
LOST

Q: What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
A: Phillipe Fellop.

Q: Why was the washing machine laughing?
A: It was taking the pee out of the knickers!!

This little guy walks into a bar
...and he struts through the door and asks, in his little voice, "Excuse me - but who owns the Rottweiler outside?"
And a strapping great bruiser of a bloke sitting at the bar turns round and says, "That's my dog. What of it?"
And the little guy says, "I'm terribly sorry, but my dog's just killed it."
The big guy blinks. "What sort of dog have you got then?" he asks.
"Um," says the little guy, "I have a Chihuahua."
There's silence for a few moments. The big guy slides off his stool and plods over to the little guy. He stands at least two feet taller and, in a menacing voice, he says: "Are you telling me that your Chihuahua has killed my Rottweiler?"
"Yes," says the little guy, also blinking, "Sorry."
The big guy looks all round the bar, inviting the other drinkers to share the moment.
"All right," he says. "Fair enough. Your Chihuahua has killed my Rottweiler. How... how... how did it do that, then?"
"Um," says the little guy. "It got stuck in his throat!"

From: David Boff in Bedford

Your joke: Why do they always put a wall around a graveyard?.....Because people are dying to get in!!

Late one night, on a remote country road in the wilds of Ireland, a lone, pregnant, young woman is involved in a road traffic accident and is hurled from her car and into a ditch.
One year later she wakes up - and smells disinfectant and her eyes blink against bright lights and she realizes that she is lying in a hospital bed. Immediately she panics and her hands fly to her stomach and she realizes that she is no longer pregnant.
Just as she is considering the possibility of the notion of the likelihood of screaming, her attention is caught by the arrival of a doctor in a white coat who comes to stand beside her bed.
"Oh, doctor," she cries, "Oh, God... what has happened?"
"You're all right, Miss O'Brien," says the doctor reassuringly. "You were very lucky. No real damage. But you have been in a coma for a year."
It sinks in.
"My God. My... my baby...."
"Don't panic, Miss O'Brien. Again, you've been very lucky. It wasn't just one baby. You had twins and we were able to deliver them both safely. They are here in the hospital. A boy and a girl. Lovely babies."
"Oh, thank heavens," cries Miss O'Brien, a look of vast and enormous relief registering on her face, almost immediately replaced by a look of deep concern.
"But, doctor, you say I've been in a coma for a year... the babies... they should be baptized... oh, God, that's terrible if they haven't been baptized. They have to have names."
The doctor smiles.
"Miss O'Brien, when we got you in here and were able to identify you and safely deliver your children, we also managed to make contact with your next of kin. Your brother. He has been here to visit you and sit by your bedside many times over the last year. It was he who arranged the baptism and christening of your babies."
The poor woman looks horrorstruck.
"But... but... oh, doctor, that brother of mine... he's a feckless idiot, a fool, he can't boil an egg... oh, Lord, no. Oh, for pity's sake, what did he name the children? I dread to think"
"Now, now Miss O'Brien," smiles the doctor, "there's really no need to be upset. He named the little girl Denise."
"Denise?"
She stops for a moment and considers.
"Denise," - trying the name on for size. "Denise... oh, well, that's not too bad. No that's all right. That's a nice name. Denise. Oh, Denise is lovely. That's a good name. Denise. And what did he name the little boy?"
The doctor smiles.
"De-nephew."

Peter in Milton Keynes an Old Max Miller joke...

Old ladys pet Chihauhua developes hairs on its nose so she pops into a chemist for some hair remover
knowing it can be an irritant the chemist asks whats it for
she replys, its for my Chihuahua
Ok he says, just don't ride your bike for a few days

WHAT GOES BLACK WHITE, BLACK WHITE, BLACK WHITE,? A PENGUIN ROLLING DOWN A HILL !

HOW DO YOU GET A NUN TO GIVE UP SMOKING? ENCOURAGE HER TO BREAK THE HABIT…

TWO GUYS GO ON A ROLLERCOASTER, ONE SAYS “IF WE TURN UPSIDE DOWN DO YOU THINK WE WILL FALL OUT?” THE OTHER REPLIES “NO WE’VE BEEN MATES FOR YEARS!!”

From Peter in Ampthill
My wife calls me Peter the Great! At least thats what she shouts whet the fire needs stoking!

K. Lee from Hatfield:

A teacher was teaching singular and plural to a group of young students.
He pointed to his mouth and Student A said, “Mouth”. 
“Correct.”, replied the teacher.
He pointed to his nose and Student B replied, “Nose”.
“Right.”, replied the teacher.
He tugged his ears and Student C said, “Ears”.
“Well Done.”, replied the satisfied teacher.
He circled round his face and Student D replied, “Faces”.
“No, that should be FACE”, corrected the teacher. 
“How come my Mum told my Dad that he’s got a two face?”, questioned the inquisitive Student.

From: Rachel Brabbins
What goes Ha Ha Bonk....A man laughing his head off!
Why did Tigger look down the toilet?...he was looking for Pooh!

From: Brendan Murphy
A man walks into a bar with a chequered flag...The barman says "Oi!! You better not start anything!"

From: Alan

At the Women’s World Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years’ conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But on the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years" conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his washing and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years" conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade'.....

One sunny day late in late 2007, an old man approached the Number 10 from across Downing Street, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Policeman standing guard and said: "I would like to go in and meet Mr Blair".
The Policeman looked at the man and said: "Sir, Mr. Blair is no longer Prime Minister and no longer lives here".
The old man said: "Okay" and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the No. 10 and said to the same Policeman: "I would like to go in and meet Mr Blair."
The Policeman again told the man: "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Blair is no longer Prime Minister and no longer lives here." 
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the No 10 and spoke to the very same Policeman, saying: "I would like to go in and meet Mr Blair." 
The Policeman, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said: "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been asking to speak to Mr. Blair. I've told you already that Mr. Blair is no longer the Prime Minister and no longer lives here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Policeman and said: "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it".
The Policeman snapped to attention, saluted, and said: "See you tomorrow, Sir".

From: Margaret in Fishers Green
I HAD a car crash last week. The other driver got out and happened to be a dwarf. He said: "I'm not happy." So I replied: "Well, which one are you?"

MY mate Sid was a victim of I.D. theft.
Now he's just called S.

HAVE you heard about the sultana that was cheating on his wife with a raisin — or do you not keep up with currant affairs?

I was chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper the other day.
Yes, I was dicing with death!

WHAT is a Shih Tzu?
A zoo with no animals.

I called my local takeaway and asked: "Do you deliver?"
They said: "No, just lamb, chicken, pork and beef."

WHAT do you call a woman between two goalposts?
A nnette.

I ASKED my bank manager to check my balance, so he pushed me over.

I got stung by a bee yesterday.
Eight quid for a jar of honey!

DID you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel prize?
He was outstanding in his field.

WOMAN to her butcher: "Is that English lamb?"
Butcher: "What do you want to do, eat it or talk to it?"

DOCTOR, I've got a short memory. How long have you had that?
Had what?

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that was pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I broke down on the motorway and a car pulled up behind me so I shouted: " Are you the AA ?"
He replied: "No. I'm a chiropodist. I can give you a toe."

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my front door. He's got a funny sense of humour, my plumber.

A fellow walks into a restaurant with a salmon under his arm and asks "Excuse me, do you do fishcakes?" "No, sorry sir," says the waiter. "Oh, that's a shame, it's his birthday."

Did you hear about the chap who poured a bottle of Domestos over a clergyman?
He was done for a bleach of the priest!

President Obama will offer £50million for Bin Laden. But Man City have offered £80million.

I read that 10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.

I answered the door to a 6ft beetle that hit my face and swore at me. Aparantly there's a nasty bug going around.

What's the first sign of madness? Suggs walking up your drive!

WHATS BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALL OVER ........ANSWER...............NEWSPAPER

Martin from Upper Caldecote Nr,Biggleswade

A man goes into a petshop and says I'd like to buy a bee, the petshop owner says I'm sorry I dont sell bee's the man says well you've got one in the window.

Andy in Biggleswade

Your joke: How do you get to Wales in a car ?
Take Out The Back Seats

How do you get six donkeys in a fire engine Two in the front, two on the back and two on top going "Heehaw Heehaw Heehaw"!

What do you get when you dial 666?
Upside Down Policemen!

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!

What do you call photos of crocodiles?
Snapshots!

What happens if you put a skeleton in a tumbl drier?
He comes out bone dry!

Why did the man eat his sofa and two chairs?
He had a suite tooth!

What two things can you not have for breakfast?
Dinner and tea!

Why can't your nose be twelve inches long?
Because it would be a foot!

Doctor, Doctor, I think my eyesight is getting worse!
I think it is, this is a chip shop!

From: Bert

Your joke: A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.

A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says "Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"

Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.

Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff

Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"

From Richard in MK

Your joke: Saw my fitness instructor last night and told him I wanted to learn how to do the splits.
"Ok", he said. "How flexible are you?"
"Well", I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".

Richard in Milton Keynes

Your joke: A man walks into a pub and orders a pint. As he waits at the bar he hears a small voice beside him. He looks down to see a dish of peanuts talking to him.
"Say, you look good tonight. That's a smart suit and your hair looks great. You look a million dollars!" Feeling pleased the guy goes to buy some cigarettes from the machine in the corner. Just as he is about to put his money in the machine speaks to him.
"Look at the state of you! You could have ironed that jacket and your hair's a mess. Get home and sort yourself out!"
The barman notices the guys upset look. "Is anything the matter Sir?"
"Well, the peanuts have just said how good I look while the cigarette machine has just insulted me!"
"Ah, I can explain", said the barman. "You see, the peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order...."

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar.
"What's this?" says the barman, "Some kind of joke?"

Julie in Hemel Hempstead

Your joke: Which bees make milk?
Boobees!

Bloke goes to the doctor dressed in nothing but clingfilm.
The doctor says, 'I can clearly see you're nuts!'

From John in Sandy

Your joke: Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day.

The first one says, "My Daddy is so cool he can eat four Burgers at one meal."

The second one says, "That's nothing. My Daddy can eat six."

Little Jonny starts laughing and says, "My Daddy can eat light bulbs."

The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him why he thinks His daddy can eat light bulbs.

Little Jonny replies, "Last night I was passing my parents room and my Daddy said, 'Honey, turn out that light I want to eat that thing.

"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not," she said.
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money.
"Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"

From: laura in St Albans

what did the fish say as it swam into the wall...
dam

WHY DID THE JELLY TOT GO TO SCHOOL, BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BE A SMARTIE

I WAS IN MY LOCAL CHINESE LAST NIGHT WHEN I NOTICED TWO EYES LOOKING AT ME FROM UNDER MY SPARE RIBS, IT WAS A PEEKING DUCK !!!!

HOW DO YOU HIDE AN ELEPHANT IN A CHERRY TREE ? PAINT HIS TOE NAILS RED ! - DOLLY

MY WIFE SWALLOWED A DAFFODIL BULB YESTERDAY THINKING IT WAS AN ONION, DON'T WORRY IT'LL BE OUT IN THE SPRING - PAUL

HOW DO YOU MAKE AN APPLE PUFF ? CHASE IT IN THE GARDEN

WHAT TYPE OF MONKEY FLIES? A HOT AIR BABOON ! - IMOGEN IN FLITWICK

From Ann in MK:
What is green and fluffy. A: Green Fluff

From: Delene Alouane in Luton

I lent my brother £20 last week. Turns out I'm now the UK's fifth biggest
lender.

Cadburys is to launch a chocolate bar you don't have to pay for until
next year.
It will be called the Credit Crunchie.

Marks and Spencers are to merge with Poundstretchers.
The new stores will be called Stretch Marks.

Poundland is to restructure for the recession and will be called '50p
Land'.

Northern Rock is to be rebranded Northern Pebble.

Bank Managers are to concentrate on the Big Issues.
They'll all be out on the street selling them next week.

The Isle of Dogs bank collapsed today.
The retrievers have been called in.

What do you call five hedge fund managers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet.
The car's been repossessed.

What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything?
A quarter-pounder with fries, please.

A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small
business. How do I go about it?'
'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'.

Overheard in a City bar: 'This credit crunch is worse than a divorce.
I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.'

The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped 'insufficient funds.'
Are they being ironic?

From: DANIEL HARPENDEN

WHAT DID THE VICAR SAY TO THE NOSE ? - BLESS YOU 

Keith Pincott
From: Leverstock Green

"I woke up this morning and felt grate... I'd fallen asleep in the fireplace!"

"I slept like a baby last night. Well, I thought- if I can still fit the crib, why buy a bed!"

Two clean jokes from Chloe Goddard from flitwick who is aged 11.

A man with an apple on his head goes to see the doctor. the doctor asks him what's the problem? the apple says I've got this growth on my bottom!

Have you heard about the agnostic dyslexic who keeps wondering if there is a dog!

From James in Hemel:

Q: How do you get a fat person in bed?
A: A piece of cake.

Hear about the man that collected five thousand door knockers?
He won a nobel prize.

From Ruby in Lower Stondon:

What happened to the hyena who fell into a pot of gravy?
He made a laughing stock of himself.

What goes ha ha ha clonk?
A man laughing his head off

Why is it so difficult to train dogs to dance?
They have two left feet.

WHAT'S six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.

From: Jill in Silsoe

What goes up and never comes down?
Your age.

What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A sour puss!

What did the one strand of hair say to the other strand of hair when asked if he could borrow his shampoo?
Yes, but only on one conditioner.

Gail in Hemel sent in these jokes:

What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
She fell in the sink.

What did the Policeman say to the stomach?
You're under a vest.

What do you give a man who has everything?
Antibiotics.

From Kev in Baldock:

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He's fully recovered.

What do you call a man that plays with leaves?
Rustle!

Two oranges walk into a bar.
One says to other: "You're round."

From Mandy in Stevenage:

A man goes to see his Doctor and says: "Doctor I have a lettuce stuck in my bottom."
The Doctors takes a look and replies: "That's only the tip of the iceberg."

Q: What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
A: Men always miss them

Q: How do hedgehogs make love?
A: Very carefully!!!

Q: What do you call a girl with eggs and bacon in her hair?
A: Cathy.

Q: What do you get when you put a fish and an elephant together?
A: Swimming trunks.

From Mark in Luton:

What are three words you never want to hear while making love?
Honey, I'm home!

From Tony in Luton:

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

Q: Who is the coolest person at a hospital?
A: The Ultra Sound Guy!

I had a crash with an ice-cream van last night. I wasn’t hurt, just had a bit of Mr Whippy lash.

What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roaming Catholic.

Q: How did the beaver get online?
A: He logged on!

From Piers in Letchworth:

Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint.
All the sailors ended up being marooned...

Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
A: Dam.

Q: What athlete is warmest in winter?
A: A long jumper.

Q: Why are chocolate buttons rude?
A: Because they are Smarties in the nude!

Q: How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
A: Wi' Jammin

Q: What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?
A: Hope you like Jammin too.

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a boogie in it.

Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
A: Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

Q: Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?
A: Because he couldn't concentrate.

Q: What did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child caught holding a pin?
A: You let me down, you let your friends down, you let your school down but most of all... you let yourself down.

Q: What's ET short for?
A: Because he's only got little legs.

From Katy in St Albans:

Q. Why did the baker have brown hands?
A. Because he'd been kneading a poo!

From: Keith Willison in Toddington

A man was walking down the street proud of the new hat he had just bought when it suddenly blew off in the wind. Just as he was about to pick it up a dog grabbed it and tore it to pieces. The man was very upset and decided to follow the dog to complain to the owner. At the house the dog went into he knocked at the door. A scruffy man came to the door.
"Have you seen what your dog did to my hat?"
"I really don't care!"
"I don't like you attitude!"
"It wasn't my 'at he chewed, it was yours!"

From Rose in Harpenden:

Two cows were grazing happily in a field. One cow said "mooooooo".
The other said .... "I was going to say that!"

From Morag in St Albans:

A man buys his wife a coat made from 2000 hamster skins.
She wore it when they went to Blackpool for the day ...
He couldn't get her off the big wheel.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What 5 letter word, written upside down, reads the same the normal way up ?
SWIMS

What do you call a man with an elephant on his head?
A flatmate!

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff!

What gets wetter as it dries? 
A towel

A man goes to town on Friday, spends 2 days in town and then comes home on Friday. How can this happen?
His horse is called Friday

The RSPCA raided the local fish shop yesterday, because of accusations of cruelty.
A woman had phoned them and said the fish were being battered!

I used to work at Kwik-Fit - but I gave up the job
Every day I was tyred and exhausted!

Why did the golfer wear two sets of waterproofs?
In case he got a hole in one!

From Malcolm in Luton:

Two priests decided to go to Greece on holiday. They were determined to make this a real holiday by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc...
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them, then moved on.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could HEAR them before you even saw them.
Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again, she nodded, said "Good morning, Father," at each of them and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady..."
"Yes?" she replied.
"We ARE priests, and proud of it, but I have to know-how in the world did you KNOW we are priests, dressed as we are?"
"Father," she replied, "it's me, Sister Mary Frances!!"

From: Katie Fraser in Welwyn, Herts

Doctor, Doctor I can see spots in front of my eyes?!
Doctor: Stop growling, you're not a leopard!

From Wendell Johnson, BEDFORD,VIRGINIA, USA

TWO OLD MEN ARE SITTING ON THE FRONT PORCH OF THE RETIREMENT HOME. ONE TURNS TO THE OTHER AND SAYS,"MAN, THIS OLD AGE REALLY IS AWFUL, I FEEL BAD ALL THE TIME."
THE OTHER, WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE, SAYS,"NOT ME, I FEEL LIKE A NEWBORN BABE, I GOT NO HAIR, I GOT NO TEETH, AND I THINK I JUST WET MYSELF!"

From: Ursula in MK

What does a Chinese chicken say?
Wok wok wok wok

From Keith in Flitwick:

Q: Were you long in the hospital ?
A: No, I was the same size that I am now !

Q: Why don't sharks eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.

Q: Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer ?
A: He fell in the sink !

Q: Why did the clock get sick ?
A: It was run down !

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show everyone that he wasn't a chicken.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He didn't have anyBODY to go with.

Q: What button won't you find in a tailors shop ?
A: Belly button !

Q: How did the farmer fix his jeans?
A: With a cabbage patch!

Q: Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Q: Do you have any invisible ink?
A: Certainly sir. What colour?

Q: Why did the child study in the airplane?
A: He wanted a higher education!

Q: Who makes suits and eats spinach ?
A: Popeye the Tailorman !

Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A: Cliff !

Q: Where does the colonel keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies!

Q: What travels all around the world, but never leaves it's corner.
A: A Postage Stamp!

Q: How did the telephones get married ?
A: In a double ring ceremony !

Q: What did one flea say to the other flea?
A: Should we walk or take a dog?

Q: What gets wetter as it dries?
A: A towel!

A noise woke me up this morning.
What was that ?
The crack of dawn !

Q: What does one star say to another star when they meet ?
A: Glad to meteor !

Q: Where do eskimos keep their money?
A: Snow banks !

Q: Waiter, this soup tastes funny ?
A: Then why aren't you laughing !

Q: Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
A: Use a pencil ‘till I get there

These 2 atoms were walking around when one atom says to the other one, "hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other atom says "are you sure?"
He replies "yes, I'm positive"

From a Luton 3CR Listener:

Roberto and Ronnie were two naughty little boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would have had something to do with it.
Mrs Barbour and Mrs Perrone heard that a priest in Luton had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. Father Rhodes agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, Mrs Perrone was asked to send her little Roberto, in the morning and Mrs Barbours was asked to get her wee Ronnie to see Father Rhodes in the afternoon.
Old Father Rhodes, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the little Roberto down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
Old Father Rhodes repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, Roberto made no attempt to answer.
So, Old Rhodes raised his voice some more and shook his finger in little Rob's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
They screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly around to his mate house and dove into Ronnies Bedroom and jumped into a wardrobe, slamming the door behind him.
When Ronnie found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
Little Roberto, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time Ronnie! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

From Brian Lambert in Luton:

Telephone operator receives a 999 call from a man saying 'my friend's on the ground and I think he's dead' The operator says 'stay calm. Go and look and tell me if he is dead. You must be sure. 'Shortly after a shot is heard and the man comes back on line to say 'he is now'

Old man of 90 takes his 20 year old wife to maternity where she gives birth to a beautiful baby. Nurse says to him 'at 90 how do you manage it' Old man says 'well you have to keep the old engine well oiled.
The next year his wife has another baby & nursy says 'I just don't know how you do it!
Old man 'well you have to keep the old engine well oiled'. The next year along comes another baby to which nurse says 'you are really something for a 90 year old' The old man replies 'well you have to keep the old engine well oiled. To which the nurse replies' well you had better have an oil change this ones black!!'

Barry Newton from Hemel:

George suffered from bad flatulence, mainly when he got up in the mornings. His wife feeling a bit cheesed off with this said "keep this up one day you'll blow your guts out" the next day george still in bed his wife was cleaning out a chicken ready to cook, she took out its innards warmed them up and as george still slept she placed them in a strategic place in the bed. Some time later george woke up and he was heard to rush to the bathroom, sometime later he came out and his wife said "are you ok?" he said I am now but you were right I did blow my guts out and I've just spent a good 20 minutes pushing them back…

Mikey (aged 9) in Marston Mortaine sent in this selection of 'Knock Knock' jokes..

Q: "Knock, knock….Who's There?…..Ash……Ash who?"
A: Bless you!

Q: "Knock, knock…..Who's there?…..Nobel……Nobel who?"
A: "No bell, that's why I knocked!"

Q: "Knock, knock…..Who's there?…..Leaf……Leaf who?"
A: Leaf me alone!

Q: "Knock, knock….Who's There?…..lettuce……lettuce who?"
A: Lettuce in and you'll find out!

Q: Knock-knock…..Who's there?…..Aaron……Aaron who?
A: Why Aaron you opening the door?

Q: "Knock, knock….Who's There?…..Tank……Tank Who?"
A: You're welcome!

Q: "Knock, knock…..Who's there?…..Hawaii……Hawaii who?"
A: "I'm fine, Hawaii you?"

Q: "Knock, knock…..Who's there?…..Orange……Orange who?"
A: Orange you even going to open the door!

Q: Knock-knock…..Who's there?…..Gray Z……Gray Z who?
A: Gray Z. mixed up kid.

Q: "Knock, knock….Who's There?…..Who……Who Who?"
A: Is there an owl in there?

Q: "Knock, knock….Who's There?…..Anita……Anita who?"
A: Anita to borrow a pencil.

Q: "Knock, knock….Who's There?…..Woo……Woo who?"
A: "Don't get so excited, it's just a joke."

Q: "Knock, knock….Who's There?…..figs……Figs who?"
A: "Figs the doorbell, it's broken!"

Q: Knock-knock…..Who's there?…..Alice……Alice who?
A: Alice fair in love and war.

Q: "Knock, knock….Who's There?…..Annie……Annie Who?"
A: "Annie thing you can do, I can do better."

Q: Knock-knock…..Who's there?…..Yukon……Yukon who?
A: Yukon say that again!

Q: "Knock, knock….Who's There?…..Boo……Boo Who?"
A: Well you don't have to cry about it.

Q: "Knock, knock….Who's There?…..Theodore……Theodore who?"
A: Theodore is stuck and it won't open!

Q: Knock-knock…..Who's there?…..Cher……Cher who?
A: Cher would be nice if you opened the door!

Q: "Knock, knock….Who's There?…..Amos……Amos who?"
A: A mosquito bit me!

Q: "Knock, knock….Who's There?…..Police……Police Who?"
A: "Police let us in, it's cold out here!"

Q: Knock-knock…..Who's there?…..Amarillo……Amarillo who?
A: Amarillo nice guy.

And his sister Emma (aged 11) sent in these Doctor Doctor jokes…

Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!

Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!

Q: Why did the doctor lose his temper?
A: Because he didn't have any patients!

Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!

Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: "Get dressed up, the doctor is taking us out!"

From Razz in Luton

I just got barred from B&Q, some guy in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking......
Luckily, Ii got the first punch in!

I came back to my car in the car park last night My back bumper and rear lights had all been smashed up. Someone had left a note under my wiper which read:
"I've just reversed into the back of your car Quite a lot of people saw me do it They think I'm writing my name and details - Well I'm not!"

From Bob Barton in Ampthill:

Two guys walk into a bar.
The first guy says "A pint of beer barman and one for my donkey"
Puzzled, the barman obliges and the two men drink up.
"Same again barman" says the first guy" and another one for my donkey"
Still puzzled the barman places the beer down and says to the second guy "why does he keep calling you donkey?"
"Oh don't take any notice of him" says the secong guy, "he haw, he haw, he always calls me that"

Emma in Hitchin sent in these howlers:

How do you make milk shake?
Give it a good scare!

What sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
A kipper!

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck!

What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
Seasoned troopers!

What has two humps and is found at the North Pole?
A lost camel!

From Carol in Hemel:

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there nothing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

From Richard in MK:

Went to my local gym last night and they've got a new machine in. I spent an hour on it and it left me physically sick. It's good though. It does everything - Kit-Kat, Mars, Twix, etc.

From: J. Andrews in St Albans:

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark ".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything you want - after all you're the guv'… "
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?", queries Noah.
"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Yep".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Uh Uh".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Ah Ha"
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether………… (keep going - it's worth waiting for……..) "Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

From Stephen in Luton:

Q: Did you hear that Pedigree Chum has gone bust?
A: They have called in the retrievers.

From: Mick King in Heath and Reach:

Siamese twins walk into a bar and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the barman, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Budweiser's, draft please.'
The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John.
'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees!
'Ah, England!' says the barman. 'Wonderful country...the history, the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like all that British stuff,' says John.
'Hamburgers & Budweiser beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England?' asks the barman.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

From Julie in WGC:

Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate!

From Karl in Ampthill:

What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonkey...

From Karen-Anne in Pitsone:

Your joke: What's big green and could kill you?
A snooker table falling out of a tree!

From Keith Allen in Odell:

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery.
She laid her pet on the table; the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your duck, "Cuddles" has passed away'
The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure?'
'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.
'How can you be so sure,' she protested. `I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something'
The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, mewed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.
The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '£150!' she cried £150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'
The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now £150

From Kate Hughes in Hitchin:

Two snowmen are in a field.
One says to the other, can you smell carrots?

From Phillip in Bedford:

Ferrari decided to name a car after it's founder. They called it the Enzo. I can't wait for the release of the Lotus Colin.....

From Ann in Stevenage:

Husband say to wife what would you do if I won the lottery. Wife in a nasty voice replies I'd take half and leave you. Good says husband here's a fiver.

From Amy in Houghton Regis:

What do you call a bear without an ear?
B..............or anything you like he can't hear.

From: David in Houghton Regis:

Why did the crab go to jail?
He kept pinching things.

From Susannah in Houghton Regis:

How does a mouse feel after a bath?
squeaky-clean!

From Ann in Stevenage:

Old couple went for a doctors check up and were told that they were doing Ok but they both said that the problem they both had was remembering things. The doc advised them to write things down they would not then forget. The following week the husband was going out into the kitchen and his wife asked him to bring her back a bowl of strawberries, Now write it down she said. No he replied I wont forget. As he got to the door she said I would like cream with the strawberries now write it down. No he replied I wont forget that. Ten minutes later he came back into the room with a plate of bacon & egg. There you go said the wife I told you to write it down you have forgotten my toast.

From Brian Gear in St Albans:

Wine improves with age - the older you get the more you like it.

Rehab is for quitters.

I refuse to enter a battle of wits with you- I can't attack an unarmed person.

If I stand near enough to your head I can here the ocean

If brains were taxed, you'd get a rebate.

Never borrow from an optimist- they always expect to get it back.

Junk is something you keep for years, then throw it away a week before you need it.

Why are dolphins smarter than humans? Within three hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish.

My sex life is terrible, when I phoned one of those sex lines, the voice said,'Not tonight I have an earache'

Thousands of years ago cats were worshipped as gods, they have never forgotten this.

What's the difference between cats and dogs? Dogs have owners cats have staff.

From Eloise Smith in Newport Pagnell:

What are two robbers called?
A pair of knickers

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else

No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

How can you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

How do 'keep off the grass' signs get where they are?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what's baby oil made from?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

What did people go back to when the development of the world's first ever drawing board failed?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an aeroplane?

Why can't a woman put on mascara with her mouth closed?

Why do people point at their wrist when they're asking you the time? Do I point to my crotch when I ask people where the bathroom is?
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why does the TV news bother reporting power failures?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast onto the back of a cat and drop it?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is George, and i'm an alcoholic'

Why does no one ever say 'It's only a game' when their team is winning?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

How come a pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'i think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If we're here to help others, then what are the others here for?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If someone with a multiple personality disorder threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

From Sue Farmer in Stevenage:

A farmer in his field looking at his frozen cattle, when a lady came up to him and asked what's wrong, he told her that all his cattle was frozen and that he was sad and would lose money, the lady went over to the cattle and put her hand over one of there noise's soon the animal was fine she went on to do them all, the man could not thank her enough, she said it was ok and went on her way, Then a man came up to the farmer, the farmer told him about the lady and what she had done, the man said well you do know who that was don't you the farmer said no, he said it was THORA HERD ha ha

From Norman in Biggleswade:

Can you name three fish starting and ending with 'K'
1. Killer Shark
2. Kwik save breaded Haddock
3. Kilmarnock
Normal response is 'Kilmarnock is not a Fish'
What is it then?
It is a PLAICE in Scotland

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff
What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath

The mother superior gathered all the nuns together and announced that she was sad to report that there was a case of gonorrhoea in the convent. "Oh good" piped up an older nun "I am sick to death of that Australian Chardonnay..."

I had a surreal experience at the garden centre the other day. A complete stranger came up to me and said 'Do you want decking?'
But it was alright... I got the first punch in!

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you realize what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

A young man agreed to baby-sit one night so a single mother could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football.
One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back to bed.
At 9pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No."
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

When Dad came home he was astonished to see Peter sitting on a horse, writing something. " What on earth are you doing there ?" he asked.
"Well, the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal. That's why I'm here and that's why Rachel's sitting in the goldfish bowl !"

Little five year old Johnny was in the bath tub, and his mom was washing his hair. She said to him, "Wow, your hair is growing so fast! You need a haircut again."
Little Johnny replied, "Maybe you should stop watering it so much."

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mum spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"
The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"
The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

Bob and Jim walk into a bar.
Bob says, "Hey Donkeyboy, get me a drink." The bartender gets him a drink.
Bob says, "Donkeyboy, get me another drink." The bartender gets him another drink.
Finally, Jim asks the bartender, "Why does he call you Donkeyboy?"
"I don't know. Hehaw-hehaw-he always calls me that!"

What's green and dangerous?
A gooseberry with a machine gun...

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
A: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!

Q: The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
A: "Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, "Dad, what happened to the birdie?"
His dad told him, "Son, the bird died and went to heaven."
Then the boy asked, '"And God threw him back down?"

A man buys his wife a diamond ring for Valentines Day. A friend says, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty, four wheel drive cars?" "She did, but where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him all weekend...!

A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, "can Albert come out to play?"
"No," said the mother, "it's too cold."
"Well, then," said George, "can his football come out to play?"

My kids are like....Placemats They only show up when there's food on the table.

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A man with two left feet went into a shoe shop and asked for a pair of flip - flips please!

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

A little boy asks his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there nothing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked the small boy.
"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home!?"
The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live."

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Doctor: We operated on your eyes and we've managed to save one of them.
Patient: Oh, thank you very much.
Doctor: Yes, we'll give it to you on your way out

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Big Brother: "That planet over there is Mars."
Little Brother: "Then that other one must be Pa's."

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

What colour's a burp?
Burple!

What's the difference between a Bogey and a Brussel Sprout?
You can't get a child to eat a Brussel Sprout.

"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor."
"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?"
"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."

A man walks into the doctors office with a strawberry plant growing on his head, the doctors says 'I've got some cream you can put on that'

Two ariels met on a roof, fell in love got married, the ceromony was great but the reception was terrible!

Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Aah don't cry

Graffiti spotted in a pub in leighton buzzard "why a man should want to marry a woman is a mystery. why a man should want to marry two women is a bigamistery!

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