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I am 36 years of age, married with one child and I live in Whitehaven.

I chose this story because, when my daughter’s birthday approaches, it explains why I have mixed feelings.

Mixed Emotions

It was in April 1996 that I first realised that something was different about me.

I was out in Whitehaven with my partner and some friends when I discovered that I couldn’t even face the smell of lager anymore, never mind drinking it.

That’s when I knew that I was pregnant. I didn’t need a pregnancy test to tell me.

At first, I was excited, as I had been wanting a child of my own for so long. I had discussed with my partner about having a child, when we first met a year previously.

I was 26 and thought I have so much love to give to a child of my own. My sister had two girls and secretly although I adored them I wanted a girl myself.

Then, although I thought about how it would change my life forever, I went ahead with the pregnancy.

I was very lucky as I never suffered morning sickness. I attended regular ante-natal appointments at the hospital and thankfully the baby was progressing well.

When I went for scans the staff remarked, “What a small lazy boy you have in there”! My first reaction was how big did they want my bump to be, I was only 4 ft 10 and the baby was pretty obvious to everyone! But then I quietly thought to myself: it’s not a boy it’s a girl!

When I was 34 weeks into term the doctors wanted to ‘set me off ’ because I wasn’t very big in their eyes. However I declined because I had had no other problems and I knew that the baby’s lungs would not be fully developed at this stage.

I was allowed to go full term, but in the last 2 weeks I had to go to the hospital every day to keep an eye on the baby’s progress.

As my due date was supposedly 1st January I wouldn’t let my partner drink in case he wasn’t allowed to be at the birth because he would have smelled of alcohol.

The due date came and went, so the paediatrician gave me an induction date of 4th January. However, before I entered hospital on the 4th January 1997, I was horrified to learn of the sudden death of my brother-in-law. He had been involved in a fatal accident at work earlier that morning.

Catherine Jennings

I felt so awful, because I could not help my sister look after her children and also because she had lost her husband whilst I was preparing for the birth of my baby.

I remember only suffering a little backache when I was in labour. I had discussed that I didn’t want any pain relief as I wanted a natural birth and to hold my baby as soon as it was born.

However, after 18 hours of the baby not coming on its own accord, the doctor decided to break my waters to hurry things along. As this happened the baby became distressed and it was decided that they were going to perform an emergency caesarean.

I felt unhappy because I wasn’t going to see my child being born, but at the same time I knew that I had to let them do their job, as they were the professionals. 

When I had given birth after being woken up I asked what weight the baby was rather than what sex, because they had assumed throughout that it was going to be a small baby.

I was over the moon to discover that I had given birth to a healthy 6lbs 15oz girl whom I named Catherine Alicia.

(Unfortunately Alan didn’t get asked in the theatre with us, so he didn’t get to see her being born - he could have had a drink or two after all)!

I am very lucky to have such a beautiful talented daughter. However, I still feel guilty when her birthday approaches because my sister lost her husband the day that I went in to hospital to have my baby.