Hack Your Love Life With Classic Literature

So you picked up the box of heart-shaped chocolates at the petrol station after work and had a more or less satisfying Valentine's.

But romance isn't something you dial up once a year like takeaway. What now?

You could do worse than draw inspiration from classic tales of yesteryear and dive into the podcast Classic Stories, featuring Frank Justus Miller, Virginia Woolf and Edgar Allan Poe. Spanning the amorous, melancholy, and happily ever after, there’s something for everyone to pull from and adapt to their frankly less tome-like lives.

We know you don’t want to fail as miserably at your declaration of love as Mr. Darcy in his initial proposal to Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice. So, allow us to chivalrously hold the door open, guiding you through the triumphs and follies of fictional romance to help imbue your love life with the scintillating thrill of not receiving partially wilted roses.

Taking the star-crossed lovers trope to more literal heights, the socialist anti-colonial South African novelist explores a literal “far-off world” rich with mysticism and an eery thick wood where "where the trees grew closest, and the stems were interlocked, and the summer sun never shone.”

The most radical element of this world is not its fairytale-like setting, but the notion of man and woman having “one work, and they walked together side by side on many days, and were friends,” evincing Schreiner’s personal wishes for Earth.

There’s no jealousy or conspiracy to win over someone’s heart driving this story, but a selfless sacrifice at an altar in said thick wood, born of flesh and blood, to ensure happiness not only for the object of the nameless woman’s affection, but unknowingly for the woman herself.

As with many star-crossed lover narratives, this story does not end with the lovers together, but sets the man off on a boat away from their land and the woman discovers she wished for him to leave too.

Allowing your desire to hold someone (and yourself) back from striving towards what you want isn’t healthy. That isn’t to say that you too should rely on occult practices (though we won’t judge), but you should consider what sort of power dynamics are at play in your relationship, if they’re stifling either party, and how they can be improved.

If all else fails, make like Britney Spears’ infamous t-shirt and dump him.

Taken from the prolific Danish author’s 1930 collection, Forty-Two Stories, The Lovers is crafted within majestic and fantastical parameters that define fairytales.

Hans Christian Andersen

Andersen takes us on a journey inside a drawer of toys, where in the darkness, a spinning top becomes enamoured with a ball "covered with morocco and thought as much of herself as any fine young lady.” The Top is persistent in asking for the glamorous Ball’s hand in marriage, thinking they’d be perfect together, since “you jump and I dance; nobody could be happier than we two together."

The Ball refuses since she’s of higher standing, having been made using cork and morocco, a luxurious goat leather. The Top, clearly beloved by his owner, is painted red and yellow, and embellished with a copper nail. This, however, still does not convince the Ball.

The Ball resorts to bragging about his manufacture by the mayor and mahogany body, and despite its attempts appease the Ball’s snobbery she still wants nothing to do with the Top. In fact, she reveals she is “as good as half engaged to a swallow.”

The Ball is taken out of the drawer to be thrown in the air by the boy whom she belongs to, but soon goes missing. As the years pass by, the Top lives with the assumption that the Ball is happily married to the swallow, and his affection for her grows, but eventually fades.

As he feels himself getting old, he’s gilded with gold and given a new lease of life. He jumps for joy, but finds himself lost inside a rubbish bin. There, he sees the Ball, water-soaked from falling into the gutter, and finds out she has been lost amongst the refuse for five years.

Still just as supercilious as she has always been, the Top choses to ignore the Ball finally recognising him as an equal, and is rescued from the dustbin by a maid.

Looking at this story with a 2019 lens, perhaps the Top shouldn’t have been so pushy in his courtship of the Ball, but the notion of socioeconomic class determining who you’re romantically involved with is still pertinent. If you’re of the opinion that you’re too good to be with someone of a lower class, or you take those beliefs into a relationship with you, perhaps you do deserve to be alone.

First published in Vogue in 1895, Louisiana-born author Kate Chopin used The Kiss to navigate a topic that was salacious and controversial at the time - and which still holds weight.

The story is introduced with a sensual “smouldering fire sending out a dim, uncertain glow”, paving the way for shadows to creep in and taint the visual. We’re in the middle of our main character Nattie’s attempts at seducing an already beguiled man sitting the shadows, Brantain.

Flush with cash and absolutely no good looks, Brantain makes for an ideal spouse to elevate Nattie’s standing in society. He has been finding excuses to see her for the past two weeks, but she’s waiting for him to declare his love.

The moment is ruined when a young man by the name of Harvy enters the room and kisses Nattie, causing an embarrassed Brantain to leave despite Nattie’s pleas. She’s furious with Harvy, asking him why he didn’t alert her to his presence with the doorbell.

Fast forward to Nattie and Brantain’s wedding reception, and Brantain guides her towards a surprise. It’s Harvy, who reveals that Brantain has “has sent me here to kiss you." However, he only accepted the offer so as not to seem impolite, and has since taken a vow to stop “kissing women; it's dangerous.”

Nattie sighs: “A person can't have everything in this world; and it was a little unreasonable of her to expect it.”

In the story Nattie is rightfully never ostracised nor punished for wanting to pursue her sexuality with gusto, but her views aren’t always going to be shared with others.

As open relationships are trickling into the mainstream, it’s important to remember that not everyone can tolerate the idea of sharing the object of their affection.