How does parents’ phone use affect their children?

Most parents have probably felt the same pang of guilt. What started as a quick check of the day’s weather or local bus times turned into an aimless 20-minute scroll.

Smartphones have become an almost unavoidable part of day-to-day life. But as parents, what message do we send to children when we lock in on our screens? Are we putting them in any danger and should we be changing our ways?

BBC Bitesize Parenting sat down for some expert insight with Pete Etchells, author of ‘Unlocked: The Real Science of Screen Time (and how to Spend it Better)’, and Dr Samuel Forbes, Associate Professor in Developmental Science at Durham University.

Could being on my phone hurt my child’s feelings?

Most parents own a smartphone: a device which the average adult checks around once every 12 minutes, according to Ofcom research. When we tune into our devices around others, we create short interruptions in our real-world relationships. Young children are so reliant on face-to-face interaction – visual cues and conversation – that when a parent seems regularly distracted by a screen, it could start to drive a damaging wedge.

Many parents worry their children will start thinking the screen is more important than they are, which could lead to feelings of rejection, negative self-esteem or even behavioural issues as they compete for attention. By setting clear ‘screen-free’ boundaries at home, for example in bedrooms and during play time, parents can stay present with their child in everyday moments that truly matter. These are the moments that help children feel connected, loved and cared for.

Pete Etchells, who is also Professor of Psychology and Science Communication at Bath Spa University, says: “It took me months to realise I was doing probably the worst thing I could do, I'd be on my phone, my young daughter would ask what I’m doing and I’d say, ‘Oh nothing’ and put it away. But I was modelling that this is something we don't talk about; that it’s really cool and exciting because I was interested in it and you caught me in that moment, and I should hide my tech use. But I would say, at any point, if you reflect on the day and check yourself, saying ‘Did I need to be on my phone then?’ If the answer’s yes – fine, but did you communicate that to your kids if they were there? Were you looking after them? What were you doing to make sure they were happy? Putting words to it and saying it out there, can really help”

“We should instead be modelling that it’s okay to talk about what we're doing on our phones: about the things that we see and interact with online, and explain how they’re making us feel.”

Is scrolling putting my kids at risk?

As well as the emotional risk that being glued to our screens around our children can pose, phone use can also create a very real physical safety risk for kids. Being distracted by a screen – even just for a few seconds at a time – gets in the way of a parent’s sense of what's going on around them, whether at home or out and about, making children more vulnerable to accidents.

“A lot of us as parents are increasingly noticing our own tech use around our kids, and we don't always feel very good about it,” says Pete Etchells. "We need to be much more mindful when we take kids to the playground, or even just around the house. You’ve got this thing in your pocket that can be a source of relief or escapism, and it’s so easy to pull out your phone and enjoy a bit of ‘me time’. But of course, parenting doesn’t just stop."

Pete says: “We need to keep our eyes on our kids – we’re there to ensure their safety and happiness. These are very basic things and they’re non-negotiable.”

Will my children copy my phone habits?

Children learn how to process feelings by watching us. If they figure out that we turn to our phones to soothe ourselves or avoid interactions, there’s a chance they’ll adopt similar habits themselves.

Dr Samuel Forbes says: “We often talk about little ones being like sponges. When they see you focus hard on something, that naturally makes them want to do the same. But they’re unable to curate their content, so this is a challenge. Not only could they be viewing harmful content, but they can’t process fast-paced video content in the same way adults can."

Dr Forbes continues: “In the age of algorithms designed to keep us interested, we can feel how that continuous scrolling draws us in. So just imagine how exaggerated that is for someone whose brain hasn’t yet developed the ability to regulate that.”

Pete Etchells says many parents feel nervous about choosing the right time to introduce their children to phones. But he emphasises we don’t have to approach this from a state of panic or fear: “It’s about developing healthy tech-related behaviours and conversations,” he says. “If you have a phone, your child has already been introduced to phones, because they see it through you. You can’t underestimate how much children watch and learn from us, even when we're not necessarily talking to them."

Pete says: “Those conversations start at an earlier age than we realise. And they start with us as parents, thinking about how we can improve and be happier with our own use.”

Should I change my phone habits?

Nipping online to book a GP appointment is one thing. But letting that session spiral down a rabbit hole is quite another when your kids are around.

Pete says we shouldn’t forget the genuinely useful and positive things adults, parents and children can use phones for. The first step to tackling any bad habits we’ve developed is being able to spot them, and notice that we want to do something about them: “Think hard around what you’re getting out of your phone use: when are you using it, what are you trying to do and why are you trying to do it?"

“If it's, ‘I'm really struggling and I just need to read anything random to escape’, it's important to ask how you can support your wellbeing in a different way, that doesn't clash with your responsibilities as a parent.”

Samuel agrees that it’s not about avoiding screens entirely, but rather, being deliberate in how they should be used around children: “As long as your phone is a positive for you, that’s okay,” he says. “Sometimes we focus on what children miss out on when we’re on phones, but let’s also think about what we miss out on. There’s a balance and every parent will have things they need to do. But don’t miss out on the moments of connection and seeing what your children do, it’s part of the fun of being a parent.”

Tips for parents

Here are some simple tips and small changes you can make to stay connected and model healthy phone habits, especially around your children.

• Put your phone in your pocket at the playground

Not only will you be able to enjoy special moments with your children whilst keeping them safe, you could also have more social interaction with other parents as well.

• Turn off non-essential notifications

The urge to pick up your phone will be greater if you can see notifications from social media and other non-essential apps. Swap your settings and you will be less tempted to look at your phone when spending time with your children.

• Avoid scrolling during meals, playtime or homework

These moments are valuable opportunities to connect with your child. Putting your phone away helps you stay present, pick up on emotional cues and model healthy phone habits.

• Explain what you're doing when you need to use your phone

Dr Martha told our Bitesize Parenting Teens Podcast that you should explain what you are doing when you are on your phone. This can help your child understand why you are busy.

• Create phone-free family moments

Unplugging our devices can bring a wide range of benefits. These include improved sleep, enhanced mindfulness, a reduction in device-checking patterns and a deepened connection between you and your loved ones.

Being aware of our own phone habits is often the first step towards changing them. If you'd like to find out more about how your device fits into your daily life, take our 'Are you "addicted" to your phone?' quiz and see what your results reveal.

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